In love with the canvas again

The Window

First rays of dawn flickered in, making a projection on the rough brick wall. Dust particles danced along, forming patterns in the air. Chill of the night slowly dying out.. sounds of a broom brushing against the hard grounds at regular intervals.. stomping of a few boots.. dragging of metal scraps.. a distant dry cough and finally a shrill siren rotating around the high walls adding to the morning music, announcing the start of another day.

Deep down, in the solitary prison cell.. the prisoner wakes up to a dark morning. The frozen concrete lying underneath sends shivers down the spine, flinging him into consciousness. Last night was dreamless, devoid of any emotions, almost empty. Sitting up, he looks above, at the mellow lights coming through the tiny window. ‘The fog must be still thick’ he thinks to himself. Glancing at the projection on the wall, he locates a parked tractor.. changing into some meaningless scribbles.. taking the shape of a bird he never knew of.. vanishing into large eclipses and clearing out into the shadow of  permanent bars. Time has not moved since. 

Winters have always been the best of all seasons. As a child he loved loitering in the farm when it was covered with thick fog, checking on the animals in the barn, occasionally taking his sister to his hideout, setting the garbage on fire.. pilling up dry leaves and stealing apples from the neighbor’s farms.. and then there was also the growing violence, a disturbed existence, a desire to break free, an emergency call and a few accidents. Winters always reminded him of the past. The choke at the bottom of his throat grew fierce, hunger burning his stomach. Loneliness striking again. The window keeps sketching patterns on the wall. Picking up a few of his sole companions, neatly folded and kept under the pillow, bleak memories, torn at the folds and burnt at the edges, he brushes his hands through them. They still smell colours. Its dark to see, but he needs no light. He knows it too well, its been rehearsed everyday, almost every alternate hour, lest its lost.

The slowly fading past threatens him, stripping him off his only belongings, to a future which he doesn’t know and can’t predict. He weeps aloud. He calms himself. He talks it out with him. He plans in his head. He scribbles the routes. He captures patterns. He chases the light. He despises the freedom and he craves for it.. He walks ahead towards the window, towards the rugged brick wall and slowly into the blackout.

..through some shifted frames

Passing stranger, you do not know how longingly I look upon you, 

You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, it comes to me as if in a dream..

I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you,
All is recalled as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured.  

You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me,
I ate with you and slept with you, 

Your body has become not yours only, nor left my body mine only,

You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass,
You take of my face, breast, hands in return..

I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone
or wake at night alone. 

I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again,
I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

 

   To A Stranger

- by Walt Whitman

A Death wish

Step Sisters

The pain was excruciating. My hands trembled to reach hers.. but the growing distance ..the unearthly force ripping us apart from the embrace, made it seem nearly impossible. A fierce tide washed off the rough ground beneath me in utter rage, thrashing me into a whirlpool. It burnt against my skin. Then it was the current pulling me further down into what is seemed like nothingness.. deeper and deeper.. thoughts raced through me, almost in a blur.. until darkness gripped.

It was easier than flying. Almost effortless. As we held each other’s hand and ran along the sandy beach. We have been perfect, inspite of our differences. The soul sisters.

She was plain. with a small nose that wrinkled up a little, whenever she was disagreeing.. mostly with me.. confused. A wheatish complexion that she loathed, a formed prejudice. Dark black curls and a deep set jaw giving away the stubborn cheekbones. She often confessed she felt beautiful with me, desired to steal my splendor as it felt unfair to belong together yet so widely apart. “You are divine & serene.. so pure that I feel jealous” she used to say. I never quite felt the same for her. Never saw myself without her. If not for her I would have never felt emotion. It was so easy to share my thoughts with her and see her shed tears for me.. for my wellbeing. She consoled. She healed me.

And then when she lay, lifeless.. her face peaceful, relieved somehow. Soft white waves washing away at her feet, the foam touching her soft features. The sky looked unusually lit. Wrapped in a green cast that hurt the eyes. Blinding. I was breathing silence now, it was so thick it suffocated me. Its been days I’ve been running.. running away from the darkness that followed behind. The speed was breathtaking, not knowing where It’ll lead me.. what I’ll witness and what I’ll endure. But it seemed like homecoming. The huge chandelier tossed rainbows around the place as afternoon sunlight fell into its arms. The window had a golden frame, intricate and ornamented with glittering stones. The air smelt familiar.. welcoming. I walked, in steady small steps.. much calmer now.. and there she was, waiting for me outside, her face perfect as always..

Golden hair flying into her face.. deep blue eyes deep into mine.. arms stretched out for an embrace..

 

This is home.

Blame it on the anti-biotics!

I guess if you are destined to fall for a guy.. vampire or what-ever, whos eye color changes from Onyx to Topaz??!! (..are u kidding me?)You’re definitely struck by the devil and NO God can save you the mis-fortunes.

Purrr! W-h-a-t a w-e-e-k.. with all its great falls!!

Hogenekkal Falls to start with.. when (as my friend said..) the “anti-biotically infused” me and 2 more equally eccentric people in the “Blue city” set off for the weekend trip. Not going too much into the drive.. would just say it was threatening to see our driver take his feet off the accelerator & break to the tunes of “Oh boy! You’re mine..” and a few more equally disturbing Bollywood hits. Unbelievable but true, we managed to reach the destination.. and when those gushing water streams splashed on your face, it all felt right. But how can things be in place for too long considering our much desired “balance” of life.

Yes! My Nikon F55 had the next great fall. (I hope my parents don’t have my blog link saved anywhere..) Carefully wrapped as it was, in a bath towel to save it from any water splash in my bag while I was using the not-so-cared digital camera for the needful.. the bag fell off the rock (which I thought had quite the strong and balanced composure.. definitely more than mine at that point of time) Sorry, I refuse to describe the water it fell into.. okay, it had moss in it.. and may be 1 or 2 ghutka packets?? So what! I wudn’t have been less heartbroken if it fell into the pure waters of Ganges. Ignore the pun. thats my anti-biotics again.

I’m yet to hear from the service centre guy.. but I’m still hopefull of getting my camera back in full health, after a few surgeries. (praying aside, it happens by Saturday!)

Getting back! What was I expecting of Sunday? While trying to transfer songs from my phone to a friends, it hung and restarted a few times. Moderately crippled by technology as I am, we took it to the showroom and discovered a virus-attack. Did I forget to mention it attacked my friend’s phone too. These bloody viruses don’t even take a weekend’s break!! Or should I say they work ONLY on spoiling weekends. Harrowed by the new phone models displayed all around us, we finally decided to give our materialistic selves a try.. and as it all happens at the wrong times, I fell for Nokia C5 ..and quite a fatal attraction I must agree! The no-interest EMIs were only for the ICICI & Citibank cardholders.. but I don’t believe in “signs” do i?

Oh yes! The HDFC credit card bill is on its way..

Feeling all happy about the person who created the phrase “Alls well that ends well?” (..not “Aal Is Well”) I started the week. The infamous Monday Morning came with high fever and severe weakness. ignored the headache as my-usual-migraine. Still hoping that it was the intestinal infection and nothing else, I went for a blood test. (..and people say I’m negative about life?) Widal test confirmed Typhoid. Crap! I’ve fallen sick! The list of dos-and-donts started flowing from all over the world.. “bland food, no oil, no spice, take rest, take care, don’t leave your stomach empty, sleep often, only mineral water, lots of fruits (yuck!), tender coconut water, don’t skip medicines, avoid non-veg!” Stop! Stop! Stop!*

..and then the last and the final “Humpty Damn-ty had a great fall” (did I spell it wrong?) "all the kings horses & all the kings men, couldn’t put Humpty together again!”  Pardon my singing nursery rhymes in the middle of no-where, its those anti-biotics, and I’m a little high.. so, it’s the right time to admit (or I might regret it later) that Edward Cullen is definitely d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s! With all his (read good-looks) passion & animal instincts to protect someone he loves. Yes, I’m behaving like a teenager. I’ve heard that quite sometimes since the past few more-than-hours.. but that’s the guy at the end of the day.. (or blog post..) that takes it all away!

I guess if you are destined to fall for a guy.. vampire or what-ever, whos eye color changes from Onyx to Topaz??!! (..are u kidding me?)You’re definitely struck by the devil and NO God can save you the mis-fortunes. Have I fallen into the loop again??

* PS. No offense to all those I quoted. You know I love you all, and aside I appreciate the care & concern. :) 

Travel Tale | Palanpur 'Express'

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..the rusted grill gate opened to a small balcony wrapped in a layer of dust pilling up for years. As we walked further in, I entered a dark passage with rooms on either side, peeped into one of them and stared at it with a stunned silence. It had everything capable of throwing me into downright depression. Its almost broken windows failed to allow the required sunlight for human existence.. but didn’t allow one to miss those dust particles flying in the air.. the damp through the mezzanine floor was prominent.. shelves covered with wooden doors didn’t promise much either. A single mattress, uncovered, stained and grayed with dirt was folded and left unattended at one corner. The walls though brightly coloured in green wasn’t the right shade and wasn’t giving any comfort at all. “Is this where I have to stay for the next one week.. or more?” I thought. My heart skipped a beat.

I was working with the Mumbai based fashion designer, Krishna Mehta. Back in 2007 it was my first job after passing out of NIFT. Have been aware of this small village called Palanpur in Gujarat since then. Krishna had one of her block printing units there. Palak as it was called was indeed special. The workers here couldn’t hear or speak, yet they were gifted to be warm. A week amidst nature with its serenity & adventure.. The idea of visiting the place at the first go was appealing!

As we wrapped up work in the unit, I started dreading going back to the place where we were supposed to spend the night.. nights till work gets over. I felt betrayed. Was told, arrangements of staying were at the guesthouse, not at some god-forsaken house in the middle of tall trees, unused for 20 years and also with a possibility of being haunted. Krishna left for Mumbai that afternoon. Firoz and I stayed outdoors till sunset, planning our days ahead. I mostly complaining and he being all patient and sympathetic.. probably thinking “these kids!” aside. Nightfall in Palanpur was unforgettable. Had remotely imagined what darkness could mean.. and that even insect sounds could be deafening in that silence. In full rampage, the house was clean for the night.. Firoz had taken charge of not letting me break down in everyway possible.

Yet, had troubles falling asleep that night.. was already planning escape .

Dawn broke pretty soon. I had decided, I was going back. Bought tickets for the day after. The early morning train was from Amhedabad. Had no idea how I was going to reach there but I knew I had to go back. Nothing seemed right at that moment.. or I just wasn’t seeing it. Felt suffocated in that loneliness. As the day passed.. things started getting sorted.. managed a bus ticket to Amhedabad.. and with Firoz’s help even found a place to stay there for a night. Himanshu!! It totally skipped my mind.. he was staying in Amhedabad. I don’t know where I got the motivation or was it out of that utter desperation to escape.. that I finished most of the work in the unit and by evening.. all my bags packed!!

The bus journey was tough. I was sad. Never thought I would ‘run away’ from the responsibilities given to me.. and if its your first job, the guilt is even worse.

Thankfully Firoz accompanied me, so we had other things to talk about. As we reached Amhedabad at night.. we took a little tour of the place. Our first stop & the only one being NID, before Himanshu’s house. Chicken stew awaited us for dinner.. aunty was informed that I wasn’t keeping well and hence I had to leave. Ofcors, they knew the story later.J Did I forget to mention, this family was Bengali.. and apart from the good food, a lot of the other ‘bong’ factors completely set my mind for the next day. Firoz and Himanshu came to see me off at the station in the morning. Just as the train started moving.. I knew no words to thank the two of them.. must’ve done something right to get that kind of a support.

..spend the journey phrasing my resignation.

Mumbai never seemed more welcoming. I showed up in office after 2 days.. and thank god I didn’t have a missing diary at police stations by then. As I now look back at this, I don’t regret coming back since I have understood, apart from taking up and accomplishing all the responsibilities given to you in your job, its also important to put your foot down when required.

I didn’t have to resign, probably everyone understood the same.